To Find What We Have Lost
by Rikako
Summary: I'm trying so hard Sasuke. . .I've put all my scientist at work on this, I've spent days, months working to build you a vessel. . . .I miss you. . .why can't I bring you back? What am I missing! SasuNaru.


**_[So0o0o0o0o0, I've been bombarded with work and didn't have any inspiration, then I came up with this one about 2 months ago, then lost the math notebook it was written in. . .by the time I found it I had completely forgotten what I had been planning to finish it off as and how to work around all the paragraphs that were to be omitted, switched around, etc. So in conclusion, I'm going along with it at this point in time.] Explained over 6 months ago. . .only now getting to it xD._**

**_P.S: since I no longer keep myself updated with the new stories that come out in fanfiction, I wouldn't know if this story/idea came out before so I hope that I'm not copying anything to the hilt. . .lol_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto D:_**

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**_To Find What We Have Lost._**

We have been researching for a way to salvage one's "being". To transfer it into a vessel and have the same person, with all it's memories and personality intact without the use of the jutsu that has been lost since Orochimaru's death.

Yet how much time has passed since I brought Sasuke home. Five, ten years? His life was then hanging on a thread, his face marred with red tears, his body limp and heavy in my arms.

I've spent most of my free time looking at it. Him. The suspended Sasuke that floats in a glass orb filled with amniotic fluid, his hair being ruffled by the soft bubbles that arise from the tubes that keep him alive. Alive in a mechanical way, we have yet to conclude if his mind is still active. I still let him know that I'm there, tapping the thick glass three times when I arrive and three when I depart. That I'll remain by his side even if I age and he remains forever young in that artificial womb.

"Hokage-sama?" Dai approaches me cautiously, her small shoulders hunching slightly. I look up from the papers I was reading, storing it in the back of my head until later use. She stands next to me then, her fingers intertwining, her small mouth quivering slightly. "I'm alright, really Dai, there's no need to hover over me anymore." I give her a gentle smile, but I know that she could see the insincerity in the gesture. "It is still a mission, Hokage-sama, there is nothing I can do about that" she scanned over the piles of papers on my desk, and her gaze fell over Sasuke for a second before she blushed at his lithe form and looked down. "There is a tendency to becoming obsessed with what one cannot have, Hokage-sama, and the hardest thing one learns to do is to let go."

"Thank you, Dai," I answer curtly, my eyes falling to my work once more, "I'll put that into consideration."

* * *

Days draw themselves out overtime, my routine becoming my way of living, my way of knowing that there was still movement in my limbs, and a consciousness in my head. The absence of Akatsuki had brought peace to the villages, to the nations, if only a temporary one. My job as Hokage has been reduced to doing nothing but paperwork and the occasional appearance during holidays and festivals. At the same time, there is talk of the Hokage's engagement with the Hyuuga heiress. A purely diplomatic matter, as Hinata, though having once confessed her love to me, has become deeply involved with Shino. When I see her, Hinata gives me a sweet smile, her hands running over Sasuke's A.W gently. "Is there any progress?" she would ask politely, in a way that wouldn't remind me of my failure. When I would shake my head, she would sigh. "Do not worry, time has its own way of rewarding our hard work." In the dimness of the lab, Hinata's long hair and pale features resembled Sasuke's to a fault, and she wouldn't mind when I would pull her into an embrace and kiss her face gently. "You really do love Sasuke-kun, don't you?" she would whisper, wiping my tears away with her delicate fingers. "I'm sure he knows."

Months pass, and I'm unable to pull myself away from the lab. My engagement with Hinata was called off when I didn't attend the rehearsal, or the ceremony itself. I heard that Hinata smiled with relief when they called it off, though at the time I didn't care much about it. She visited me the day after, her small mouth giving me a gentle smile. "You were missed yesterday" she joked, her fingertips running along Sasuke's A.W like they always did. I refused to look up from my papers, fear and shame eating away at me as Hinata continued to chat idly. "Sakura-san has been pretty busy huh?" she mentioned indifferently, her hand now falling over my shoulder. "Let's go get some lunch." she suggested, but my head refused to look up at her. "Are you done?" I asked sourly, "I have work to do; I don't have time to humor you." I felt her hand tense up, and though I had tried to tell myself not to speak, I couldn't will my mouth to stop throwing knives at her. She stepped back after my attack, her shoulders trembling slightly but she stepped forward with rebellious pride. She leaned over me and kissed the side of my mouth forcefully. "You won't get rid of me, Uzumaki Naruto, just because you feel shameful, I won't allow you to lose yourself in your search for Sasuke." As she walked away I felt myself sigh in relief. There was comfort in the knowledge that she wouldn't abandon me like my other friends, and even if I lost myself completely to my research, she would still be there to pull me back out. . . .

* * *

In our research, there is a new theory. Maybe the "self" we are trying to salvage doesn't lie in the cells, the brain or the heart. We believe that that consciousness, those memories and the so called "soul", lies within the chakra. Even in his suspended form, Sasuke still emits small amounts of that vital energy. Our only fear is that in its extraction, we might lose his original form. Even if we did find a way to make his "self" move, we wouldn't have a vessel. We have tried building bodies for him, the first subjects unable to gain any consciousness, or in worst case scenarios, melting before our eyes, the chakra given to them not being pure enough to hold the cells together. As we progress we make better copies, but the subjects created acquired a mind of their own, thus unable to truly becoming blank for our purpose. The dark haired clones would become enraged, mad and wild like beasts. They attacked whoever was closest, even me, and by the end of the day we are forced to eliminate them. At the sight of the silver fluid, they would calm down, their strapped hands staying still and refusing to fight any longer.

At the same time that Hinata was married off the Shino, I was in the lab, watching another Sasuke come to life. Our hopes rose when he blinked in recognition, his hand reaching out to me silently, and his naked silhouette fragile and trembling. I rushed to his side, taking him into my arms and he mouthed my name. His hand reached for the tube that pumped Sasuke's artificial chakra into his body, pulling at it gently until if came off. His eyes bright, he gazed at the original Sasuke, whose hair was growing steadily longer through the years. The prototype's eyes widened, the hands that had moved to my chest running over his own face, a sudden shock registering in his eyes, making them turn back to mine with a flash. Those onyx orbs that I had waited so long to look into glistened before they went blank, his now useless body limp in my arms. I let him fall with a loud thud, cursing at him, at myself, and at all the scientists that were around me. I ordered the immediate creation of another vessel before walking back to my desk, and letting my fingers run through my hair in exasperation.

Another year passes, and we have yet to find the true cause for our failures. Exasperated and impatient, I rarely leave the lab at all unless truly necessary, my whole life now this simple task. Hinata still visits me, her round belly growing with each visit. She giggles when, ignoring the reproachful glances of my scientists, I put my ear against it, listening to the almost silent beats of his little heart, my fingertips feeling the faint pulses of the chakra that circulated around him. She would often bring me lunch, as she knew that I no longer ate enough. "What are you going to name him?" I asked as the time of delivery was growing near. She looked up from her tea, her lunch still untouched before her. "I. . .we still haven't made up our minds." She gave a small smile, her middle finger and pinky rubbing against her wedding ring. Her child, as the doctors had mentioned, was falling into a critical condition. Something wasn't right with his chakra flow; it wasn't reaching him as it once did, and it was feared that he might not survive outside the womb. I gave her slender hand a squeeze, my eyes falling on Sasuke momentarily.

A month before due date, Hinata was rushed to the hospital. Her son's condition had taken a turn for the worst, and its chances of survival were well below 5%. I left the lab at the news, rushing to her side as thoughts of Sasuke fled my mind. "Shino, I'm scared for him" she wept silently, her hand clutching Shino's for dear life. "It'll be alright." he said comfortingly, though he doubted his own words. Hinata wiped her tears when she noticed me there, a forced smile on her small mouth. "Naruto-kun, how dare you leave Sasuke-kun alone just to come to a pathetic woman's side." I couldn't hold back tears as I dropped to my knees beside her bed, my hands clutching at her sheets as tears rolled down my eyes. My resolve was wavering, my desire to keep my promise almost blinding my decision. "I-I'll do everything possible to help you." I cried, my body now shaking, "I promise you, I won't let your son die." Hinata's hands fell on top of mine, shaking faintly. "T-thank you, Naruto-kun."

I burst into the lab, my scientists jumping as I barked at them to leave immediately. I approached Sasuke when the last one closed the door behind him, my voice shaking as I caressed the thick glass. "Funny how this glass kept us apart for so long . . . I could break it without even trying. . ." I looked down before my voice got caught in my throat, but I willed it out with one last sob. "I'm so sorry Sasuke." I pressed my lips against the cold glass parallel to his face, tears threatening to spill as I looked over his pale features as I had many times before. The long, dark eyelashes, the sharp nose, rosy lips and the long black hair that framed his handsome face. I placed both my hands against the glass, taking a deep breath before jerking them away angrily. I pulled at my hair, more tears running down my cheeks. _I can't, I can't._ I repeated in my head, my knees buckling and giving out beneath me. I pulled myself up, biting my lip before pushing my hands against the A.W and begin to pull out all the chakra that Sasuke still held. My heart stopped when his eyes flew open, his stare piercing into mine. His hand pulled the gas mask from his mouth, a small smile on his lips. Sasuke pressed his fingertips against the glass to level mine, which I could no longer will to pull away, no matter how hard I told myself to. Sasuke woke up! He was back and that was all that mattered. There was no Hinata, no Shino. No Konoha. His face neared the glass, pulling mine along as if in a trance. The glass was all that kept our lips from truly touching, and I could feel the chakra flow begin to thin out. As he pulled away, his smile turned sweeter, the most serene and peaceful I had ever seen it. Only after the machines that charted his vital signs began its monotone beep was I able to detach my hands from the A.W. The scientist rushed in as the sounds of the machines grew steadily louder, but remained in spot at the sight of me. They ask questions that I do not hear and make suggestions that I ignore. Quietly, they began to unplug the machines. "Stop!" I surprised myself as the words left my mouth. They looked at me with startled stares, some looking at each other and back at me with outmost confusion. I couldn't bear to look at them anymore. I had demanded so much work from them, asked them to sacrifice their families just to fulfill my selfish desire to play God.

"I'll…" I looked at my hands with the innermost interest, "I'll do it myself. . . ."

They just nodded and, in the most truthful and tender way said….

"Thank you for your work."

* * *

The walk to the hospital wasn't as hard as I had imagined it to be. I left him in the A.W for the moment, knowing that the fluid would prevent his disintegration while I visited Hinata for the second time that day. She smiled at me as I walked into her room again, and a small look of confusion traced my movements as I lifted her shirt to expose her pregnant belly. I traced her pale skin carefully and noted for the first time how beautiful it was, just for being Hinata's, and for being the vessel of a new life, and not for reminding me of Sasuke, and quickly pressed my palms against it. I could feel the essence that had accompanied me to the hospital leave my body and Hinata instantly heaved her upper body up, looking at me wide-eyed and in total bewilderment. "Naruto. . .what. . . ."

"Let me help you. . ."

"I. . .he. . ."

"It's okay. . .it was fair to him." I realized in that moment that my words were true. It hadn't been fair of me to keep Sasuke suspended between life and death for so long only so that I could speak to him one more time. He had taken his decision the moment he fought, and it hadn't been my place to play advocate in his name. As the remaining chakra settled itself inside the small creature that Hinata held in her womb, I could hear the small muffled sobs that she emitted. "Tha. . .Thank you. . . ."

"I'm not sure if it'll work as I hope that it will, but it was better than just sitting by and watching it get worse."

She smiled then, and I felt relief as, for the first time since I had been putting my hands against her belly, her baby gave me a strong, healthy kick.

After so many years, we finally held Sasuke's funeral. I had barely been able to control my tears as I took him out of the A.W and covered him before the undertaker took his body and prepared it for cremation. I paced the then empty lab, my eyes wanting to cry but unable to do so. There was still so much to do before I could say good-bye to him properly, and it still hurt that I couldn't have had that last chat with him. I missed his presence in the lab and the essence of his faintly pulsing chakra through the A.W when I brushed my fingers against it. I don't remember how I got home, nor how I managed to get dressed and attend the ceremony on time. Shino stood beside me, Hinata in the wheelchair she was now confined to until her birth date, but her hand held mine gently, her thumb caressing it tenderly as the service continued. I was the first to place the white rose before his picture, the one from when he was still a part of Team Seven. The one that looked just like him but at the same time held no resemblance of the Sasuke that had floated in the A.W for uncountable months. As I walked back to my spot and Shino approached the table, pushing Hinata gently, I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Maybe Sasuke was no longer here, and I would never speak to him again, but he left a part of him inside the entire village the moment he fought for us. The moment he gave up his life trying to protect me and the entire village that had learned to hate him. He was more than a friend to us. His life was now a part of Hinata's and her lineage. I felt myself smile for the first time in ages, felt myself experience something other than anger and frustration, and finally let myself cry and let go of him. Sakura left a rose by his portrait, and before moving back to her spot, she walked towards me and embraced me tightly. "I'm angry and glad at the same time," she whispered and I felt her tear soaked cheek press against mine, "Maybe he isn't with us in body, but I'll love Sasuke-kun until I die just as much as you do now and as much as you will continue to do." She pulled back and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. The day ended as quickly as it had begun. Shino and Hinata accompanied me home, leaving only after I promised to visit them often and be present the day the baby was born.

* * *

The nurses greeted me as I walked through the front gate, the patients in wheelchairs and benches bowing at me as best as they could as I passed by, and for the first time, I was more than delighted to greet them back. I noticed how much my village had grown and changed during the time that I had spent secluded in my lab, and finally I was taking an active role in its development. As I reached Hinata's room, I felt the excitement and anticipation that was in the air. She smiled at me as I walked in and called me over for a hug before I greeted them. Hiashi, now with gray hairs adorning his long ponytail, and Hanabi, now so grown-up and as beautiful as her sister, bowed to me respectfully and thanked my presence there. It wasn't long before we were asked to leave, the only remaining person in the room being Shino, and we waited impatiently as the Hinata's muffled moans of pain were heard through the door. Her moans soon turned to screams, and I realized that even after all the years of being a kunoichi, there was still some things that Hinata couldn't handle, and I couldn't bear to imagine the pain that she could be feeling that would make her scream so loudly. Minutes after the sound of a baby's wail, we were welcomed back into the room to see a glowing couple's faces as they held their first child in their arms. Hinata called me over immediately, hushing the words that were about to come out of my mouth as I neared and simply looked down at her child with an endearing smile on her face. I could feel Sasuke's chakra pulse out faintly between the child's own, and couldn't help but notice the charcoal hair and onyx eyes that the child held.

"Want to hold him?" she asked as she noticed my surprised stare. I nodded and my mouth dried as she handed him to me carefully. "He was quite a fighter, didn't want to come out without a real match of will and strength," the baby yawned, his small eyes fluttering and looking at me before closing completely. "Just like the person I named him after." She smiled sweetly as I pulled my gaze away from the baby to look at her. "His name is Sasuke, is that alright with you?" I remained quiet and she quickly apologized. "I'm sorry, it's probably inappropriate, I'll change it, we have lots of other names for him. Nobu, for example, and Kanoh, and Yokota, and-"

"What are you blabbering about woman?" I cut her with a tone of anger in my voice, "Sasuke won't have that, will you Sasuke?" I cooed to the sleeping baby in my arms, who stretched his little hands out before staying still once more.

* * *

Little Sasuke grew up so fast. I visited him often, not because of what he held in his little body, but for the endearment I had towards him after having touched him for so many months through Hinata's belly and holding him in my arms the moment after he was born and kissing his little forehead as I called him by his name. Hinata loved to see me play with him and help teach him little by little how to walk and talk and annoy his father with childish questions that only 2 year olds can understand through their young, rambled speech. Whenever I had free time, I would sit with him in the patio of his family's home and watch the fish from his pond swim around aimlessly. At the end of one day, he approached me like always, his little hands stretched out towards me, asking to be held when he said something that surprised both me and his mother. Something that left me dumbfounded for the rest of the day and for the rest of my life that in that moment, and that moment alone, was the one and only time we would ever hear those words come out of his little mouth. I cried momentarily and held him as tightly as I could without hurting him, but smiled and kissed his cheek like always before saying good-bye and walking out that front door…..

"I love you Usuratonkachi. . .come see me soon, 'kay?"


End file.
